


Lost In Reality

by Ohheyley



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual representation, Bisexual Character, F/F, F/M, Gay Character, Lesbian Character, M/M, Pansexual Character, bisexual representation, gay representation, gay!luke, lesbian representaion, pansexual representation, pansexual!michael
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-05-15 02:23:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5767663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohheyley/pseuds/Ohheyley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael loves Grace and Grace loves Michael. Everything about being in love with your best friend is amazing. Except one thing. Grace doesn't completely enjoy sex and Michael feels like he's letting her down. When Grace starts questioning her sexuality and withdrawing from Michael in order to figure out why she thinks the pretty girl in her advanced literature class is showing up in her dreams and not leaving her thoughts, Michael turns to a friend; leaving him more confused than before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

~Michael's POV~   
"do you think I'm desirable?" I knew the second after I said the question aloud I regretted it instantly.   
"what the fuck?" Calum was doing his annoying silent laugh where his whole body vibrates and he turns pink. I shouldn't have came to him.   
"nevermind you're an asshole" I watched his stupid hands wipe his stupid tears from his stupid eyes.   
"why are you asking me instead of your girlfriend Mike? She's the one who's supposed to feel that way, not me." he started giggling again but quickly calmed down when I glared at him.   
"that's the thing dude. I feel like she might not find me sexy? I don't know. I mean our sex isn't BAD, but I feel like she's not like.....ya know....into it" I don't think Calum could relate considering every girl he even made eye contact with wanted to jump him on the spot. He never had trouble getting girls and he didn't understand why I was so scared to fuck up with Grace.   
"Has she said anything? You could talk to her about your sex outside of the bedroom ya know. Maybe you're just not pleasing her? Honestly just find out if she's enjoying it or not. I'm not there with you or anything, unless you want me to be" I can't believe he just made a joke about having a threesome with my girlfriend and someone who's doing a shitty enough job at pleasing one person let alone TWO? "she may just want different things than you're providing. She might even have freaky kinks, females are crazy man you never know what they're into" he pulled out his phone and started scrolling through twitter which I mentally thanked him for, because I didn't know what else to say. We've talked about sex so many times and maybe I'm just being paranoid, because Grace says she loves our sex, but her body says another. We've been dating for months and I've loved her for years and I can't even prove it to her due to being shit in the sack. I should've asked Luke about this. 

~Grace's POV~   
Michael asked me again about our sex and I told him again, of course, it's great. I mean what the hell, how am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to have some mind altering feeling that I constantly crave? I don't think so. At least, that's not how it is for me. I don't even masturbate. I've just never loved sex or gotten incredibly aroused. I feel so strange when I hear other people, especially my friends, talk about sex. They make it sound so fun and enticing. Personally, I think they're all lying about it. I mean, I enjoy my time with Michael and he likes sex and it's not bad, but I don't think I'd care if we didn't partake in entering appendages inside me anymore. It's not that I haven't tried to love sex. I feel incredibly defeated, because we've tried pretty much everything that we could get into and it was all the same feeling. We tried going rough, countless positions, we tried roleplay, we tried kinky bdsm shit (being whipped and tied up actually freaked me the hell out and when Michael choked me he got so scared because I started crying and having a panic attack) we literally tried everything and just ended up back where we started and simply settling. The thing is I really love Michael. I love him with all my heart. I remember the first day I met him in biology freshman year. Calum hit on me, but I was so fond for Michael. I didn't realize how much I loved him until junior year when we were at a small party cuddling and he told me he couldn't remember what life was like without having a best friend like me. I laughed and told him he had Calum, Luke, and Ashton but he waved me off saying cuddling with them didn't feel the same. Falling in love with my best friend was amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I just wish I could be normal and enjoy being with him completely. Honestly I had enough, I was sick and tired of not understanding myself. I put google to good use and started searching explanations on why I couldn't get aroused. I read into too many conditions that I knew I didn't have until...."Asexual? Isn't that something we studied in Biology? Asexual and Sexual reproduction or something. Why are you reading about organisms." I jumped in the air, wheezing and coughing. I should've remembered I invited Rachel over.   
"WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOCK? OR TEXT ME OR CALL ME OR ANYTHING ELSE THAN THIS?" Honestly was there even a point of saying that? She does this all the time and quite frankly it's my own fault for getting scared still.   
"Nevermind that, do you wanna hear what me and Daniel did yesterday?!" I told her I did, but tuned her out. It's no secret that Rachel and Daniel partake in crazy sexcapades all the time. This time it was something about how he bent her over a shelf in the middle of a clothing store and fucked her. I support her, because she's my best friend and I'm a huge believer in not shaming people for their episodes and choices, but sex grossed me out. Especially hearing elusive details of Rachel and Daniel's sex. I thought more about how I could be asexual, but then again I'm human and my body is perfectly capable of being sexually reproductive. When I shook myself out of thoughts I started focusing on what Rachel was saying and tried not to cringe too obviously when she said something about him shoving his fist into her mouth so they wouldn't get caught when she moaned. At that point I had enough and she had only been over for an hour.   
"Oh my god. I just remembered I had plans with Michael tonight I'm so so sorry I have to get ready. Rachel I completely forgot!" I was praying she couldn't hear the strain in my voice was fake and I was completely lying.   
"Ahhh no worries. I don't wanna keep you from getting laid. I'll just see you at school on Monday?" shaking my head yes and hugging her goodbye, I was relieved to know that I had avoided anymore talk about sex.   
Texts   
to michael:   
"do you wanna hang out tonight? :)   
to grace:   
"I wish I could!): I'm with Clum tonight. I'm beating his ass in FIFA though and he's bitter about it lolz"   
to michael:   
"ahhh that's okay you always liked his cuddles more than mine//:"   
to grace:   
"I TELL YOU ALL THE TIME I LIKE CUDDLING WITH YOU MORE! YOU'RE SO LITTLE AND SOFT AND CUTE AND YOU HAVE BOOBS (really nice boobs, the actual nicest boobs)"   
to michael:   
"okay perv I didn't ask"   
"if Rachel asks, can you tell her you hung out with me? She was talking about her and Daniel's sexcapades again and I told her I had plans with you so she would leave lmao"   
to grace:   
"of course I can sweetheart. I don't blame you tbh. They're gross and freaky."   
I put my phone down and went back to searching more about my sex defect. I was determined to figure this out tonight whether I liked it or not.   
***   
Asexuality is apart of the LGBTQ+ community. I don't understand why that scares me, but it does. I started crying after reading about asexuality and the different types when I realized I fit in pretty much all of the categories of demisexual. I just wanted to have a normal relationship with my normal boyfriend. Why did I have to be so different? I couldn't tell Michael. Why should I? I mean, we enjoy sex and then move on right? So what sex repulses me? I have it all the time. Just because, I could care less about sex and if Michael doesn't want to do it I'm not even the slightest upset, doesn’t mean I have to make a big deal about it. I don’t even know if this is real, I've read about it for a few hours and all of a sudden that's me? I don't think so. I'm perfectly okay with how I am. I fell asleep with a text from Michael telling me that he loved me and to sleep well. Fortunately I always sleep through the night when I cry myself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Grace have a night in and their relationship gets more confusing.

~Michael's POV~

I'm starting to get more and more paranoid about sex with Grace. It's not that I'm super disappointed or desperate to bone her, because that really doesn't matter to me. I just feel like I may have done something to Grace that could've scared her (like the time when we tried the choking thing and she had a panic attack) and her not telling me what's going on worries me even more. I was shaken out of my daze when I heard the doorbell ring and Grace reached over me to hit pause on our favorite movie "Scott Pilgrim VS The World". She went to get the pizza from the front door as I got sodas from my fridge for us. These were the times I enjoyed most with Grace. I felt so content with her. I just hoped she felt the same with me.

***

I always had this weird impulsive desire to kiss Grace when Scott and Ramona were walking and he tells her "I just sorta feel like I'm on drugs when I'm with you" but I always get distracted. This time I made extra sure I wouldn't get sidetracked. Scott said the line and I looked at Grace. I loved her so much. I didn't know how to make her happy, but hell I was trying. At first the kiss with Grace has complete innocent intentions, I was hoping she wouldn't retreat. I just wanted to tell her how much I loved her, but then she started kissing me more intently. I was a little shocked due to the fact she hasn't wanted to have sex in a few weeks, but of course I was going to go with it. She started pushing me down against the couch and straddled me. This was all so strange. Grace not only never initiated, but she also never dominated. As if I needed to register anymore what was happening, Grace moved her hips forward and the friction against my stirring cock told me I was enjoying the act a lot more than I originally thought. I moved my hands under my shirt that I was letting my beautiful girlfriend wear, fiddling with the clamp on her bra as she began thrusting her hips down with purpose. It all became too much to keep in, my perception of time started speeding up. Letting out low groans, she chased them with her magical lips. She broke the kiss and raked my shirt off of her body and mine before reconnecting the kiss. By now I had adjusted to this new scene and caught up with her. I almost didn’t notice that she had gotten my pants halfway down my legs while I sucked on the sweet spot just above her collarbone. An animalistic moan came from the back of my throat as she grabbed my dick and started pumping. I decided she had enough fun being in control and flipped us over. Giggles erupting from her while encouraging me to keep going, I dragged her shorts and underwear down painfully slow and that's when I started to get paranoid. Her legs were shaking rapidly. I looked up to see her face was still bright red, but not from laughter. She had started crying. Crying? No, no, no, no, this couldn't be good. I immediately pulled on all of her clothes and grabbed her. I had to hold her if she let me. Had I made her cry? "Shhhh" I was stroking her hair, holding her as close as she allowed "it's okay, you're okay. You don't have to tell me, it doesn't matter to me. I just want you to know I love you okay? I love you so fucking much." I didn't understand how she had suddenly gotten to this state. Was I too turned on that I wasn't listening? Michael shut up. It's not all about you. Just think about Grace, she's the only thing that matters right now.

~Grace's POV~

Mortified. That's exactly how I felt when I started crying underneath Michael. I don't understand why I was suddenly scared of sex. I've been repulsed, but scared? This is getting so fucked up. I should've never read into asexuality. I couldn't shake the feeling of it. I thought everyone felt how I did? Why can't I feel the same things everyone else feels? It's not fair. None of this is fair. Michael is going to leave me, because I cry when we try to have sex and no one is going to want to be with someone who can't truly BE with someone. I'm going to end up completely alone and I deserve it. Why do I have to be so selfish? *Ding* I was interrupted by my self-bullying from a text

**to grace:**

_"I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now. I don't even know if I'm being self absorbed thinking what happened was about me, but I'm sorry if I went too far. I never want to make you feel scared to be with me. I'm so sorry love. You're the best thing I have. I love you."_

My stomach felt incredibly sick. Michael thinks he did something wrong. I can't believe I made the only person I care about feel guilty for these stupid feelings I'm having. What kind of shitty person am I?

**to michael:**

_"Don't think too much into it baby. It was 100% me not you. I'm sorry for ruining it again. I promise I'll make it up to you. I just want to go to bed now. I love you xoxo <3" _

Asexual. Is this a new word to add to a description of myself? Is it a negative or positive attribute? So far, all I know is negative. I couldn't think about how any of this could be positive. I was a freak. I felt tears welling up again. How can I live in a world repulsed with sex, with myself. While everyone is living it up, no, sexing it up. Michael could have someone better. Anyone is better than me. What I'm doing to him isn't fair. I can't leave him though. I need him too much. I love him too much. Maybe I'm making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Maybe I can live with this. Maybe we can live with this. Michael loves me, it has to work. It needs to work. This can be a positive. I will make this positive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhh, this chapter is really short, but chapter 3 picks up right after pretty much.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace isn't very good at dealing with her emotions especially when they include sexual fantasies and Michael is confused by Lucas.

~Grace's POV~  
I know I wasn't handling the situation right, but how are you even supposed to handle this type of situation. There's not really a guide on "What to do after you start crying during sex with your boyfriend" now is there. This wasn't right. I knew that. Not speaking to Michael all weekend isn't exactly healing my problem. 3 days have passed. He seemed like it was okay, like WE were okay. He knows that sometimes I just isolate myself and push him away for reasons I can't seem to explain. But that's one of the many attributes I love so dearly about my Mikey. Unlike Rachel, who wants literally every single detail out on the table, Mikey doesn't force me to talk, which is nice because even if I wanted to talk sometimes I just, can't.  
***  
Thank god Rachel was absent from school. I couldn't dare listen to anymore talk about sex. I honest to god think she has a sex addiction, but she's my only friend.  
What the hell? Why is Haley sitting in front of my seat? Is this a joke? Is she fighting with her annoying cheerleader friends? I mean she's a cheerleader too, but she's not...as annoying as them. I think she's the only popular person I'd give a second thought about being friends with. Well, I guess I can't say that, because Michael and his friends are kinda popular. In a different sense though. Calum is the only one of the four of them who fits into the stereotypical popular kid due to being the captain of the soccer team, but honestly the soccer team is one of the most ignored sport at our school that he's not like any jock who has a bad rep. Everyone knows Ashton, because he runs the yearbook and has the prettiest art pieces hung around the school. Luke is just a huge mystery to everyone. Everyone wants to figure him out. I think it's the swirling ocean eyes. The whole school adores Michael, my Michael. The one who's friends with anyone with a heartbeat. Haley? I couldn't tell you much besides she's pretty and she stays low. I never hear anything about her. The only cheerleader who's name is never in anyone's mouth.  
Moseying to my seat, of course I have to be a clumsy shit, I tried to grab my desk so I didn't face plant next to cheerleader extraordinaire. She was staring at me. Shit. I pushed my desk into the back of her chair and now she's staring at me with no particular emotion. I think she's waiting for a- right I should probably, fuck "I'm s- so- I'm clumsy-sorry" She just looked me up and down, smirked, and then turned back around. What did that even mean? I felt strange. She was intimidating. Why the hell is she sitting in front of me.  
~Michael's POV~  
"3 days. We haven't spoken in 3 days." Lunch without crude humor was just strange. Looking around at the other boys I noticed the unfamiliarity in my life recently. Ashton was always lost in thought and Calum had a puzzled look, trying to put my situation into perspective I guess. Luke though....Luke I couldn't read. It seemed like more and more lately he was a confusing lanky loaf. I marked the unreadable look down on my list of "Michael Has No Idea How To Communicate and is a Huge Idiot" right below making Grace cry during sex and not speak to him for 3 fucking days. Jesus.  
"Didn't I tell you to talk to her about the 'situation' BEFORE you tried to bone her" As if I couldn't feel worse. Thanks Cal. You're the best.  
"Dude piss off. She came onto me and I just listened to her actions. I didn't know what it meant. My dick was thinking not my brain." Slumping down in the booth, Luke's gaze followed me down. "Why are you staring at me? I swear to god Luke the only person who possibly is worse than me or Grace at communicating is you. You're a close third" He must have been really warm from the amount of blush that overpowered his cheeks. Suddenly, he was way more interested in his French fries.  
"Have you thought about breaking up?" the glares the three of us gave him were murderous.  
"I've loved Grace since freshman year. Why the hell would I break up with her just because she doesn't like sex. or maybe sex with me? I don't even know." I reached for Calum as a form of comfort and was pleasantly surprised to be met by the warmth of his lean body coming towards mine nuzzling in.  
"I'd have sex with you Mike. I have a Daddy kink though."  
"Calum if you don't shut the fuck up and just comfort me, I'm going to tell everyone you have chlamydia." I felt some gentle nudges on my leg from huge ass feet that had to be Ash. What a gentle soul he was. Luke was glaring at me with that strange look again. I wasn't even going to say anything this time, because I just miss Grace.  
~Grace's POV~  
I asked Michael to come over for a while and he surprised me with take out from the cute bakery I love and how could I have ignored him for so long? I made us diner because my parents were working late again. As always. My Mikey is honestly more of my family than they are. That sounds super shitty. Everything I've been saying sounds shitty.  
***  
I don't remember falling asleep, but I couldn't have felt more empty when I woke up with Michael missing.  
"You fell asleep after the third episode and I figured you were really tired once I got to the sixth and you didn't wake up. I love you and I'll pick you up for school tomorrow. Sorry I left ):" I put the note in my pocket for my "Memories with Michael" box later, it's amazing how full it's gotten in these last 4 years.  
I really was tired, I didn't even feel like going to my room to sleep. It didn't seem like it would matter if I slept on the couch because from the deafening quiet, my parents still weren't home. Of course not. When were they ever?  
***  
I have never woken up horny before. Is that even what this is? I just know I was extremely wet and it wasn't pee or blood. I had a dream about Haley, one of the strangest dreams I've ever had. I was sitting in a school desk and she was sitting behind me. She leaned over and started rubbing her hands all along my sides as my eyes rolled back shut. We were supposed to be taking notes, but when she leaned over whispering into my ear something about how I feel so good and she wanted to know if she was allowed to feel more of me. She kept touching me and I was so exposed, even if it was just a dream, she was grabbing at my tits; pulling up my shirt. I had never even had a conversation with this girl. Why was I having wet dreams about her? I don't even think I've had wet dreams about my boyfriend. All I knew was I had never felt the need to masturbate until now. I needed to. I started looking up porn, because that's what people do, right? I was clicking around but nothing was getting me going as much as that dream. There was this one video that had a really funny plot line in the beginning, so I just kept watching because it got really ridiculous. Oh. Oh my god. The guy walked in on his girlfriend and some other girl making out and I was feeling like how I did when I woke up. My anxiety started building up and I couldn't pinpoint any of the emotions I was feeling. I just closed the website and texted Michael that I loved him and hope he got home safe. Exhaustion was definitely taking a toll on me tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys and Grace go to Haley's party where some drinking leads to fun and maybe some mistakes

~Grace's POV~

The last few weeks have definitely been strange to say the least. I realized that there was a lot more going wrong in my life than just possibly being ace. I hated my friends. Given I really only had Rachel as a close friend, besides all of Michael's. I drifted further from her realizing how toxic she and Daniel actually were. It was such a lighter environment without them around. All of us had decided it would be better to minimize our quality time with them. No one really complained.  
Getting to spend more time with Michael's friends meant I got to spend more time with Michael. Not that I hadn't spent my every waking moment with him, but now we were inseparable because the guys actually opened up more around me. We spent lunches together and afternoons laughing filling up the empty separated feeling I became so familiar with.  
The strangest part of past few weeks is Haley started talking to me. Me? We had never shared more than uncomfortable glares. Basically out of nowhere, the slope of my life had started accelerating out of my control and the only constant was Michael.  
I wasn't exactly opposed to any of this though. It was so refreshing to hear I wasn't the only one who hated her friends. Honestly, I thought I was just an asshole.  
Haley was incredibly hilarious. I listened to her talk for most of class. Even when she wasn't addressing me. A lot of the time (more like every day) I watched the clock tick down till the bell rang for English where I'd get to see her. She hardly ever talked about sex which was so refreshing. It seems like that's all anyone ever wants to talk about.  
After the first week of her sitting in front of me, I stopped questioning. Mainly because I figured it out. Haley said one of the cheerleader friends (I can't remember her name due to not being relevant enough to me) had hooked up with her boyfriend and she didn't even care because she was looking for an excuse to dump not only her stupid boyfriend, but also her "friend" which brought so many questions to my head. Why was she sitting with me instead of the other cheerleaders. We have quite a big team or squad whatever they call themselves. Also, why was she still really good friends with her boyfr- EX-boyfriend? Although I didn't voice these questions, they were unconsciously answered the more she talked and the more I listened.  
Apparently she hates pretty much the entire cheerleading team in its entirety and grows tired of their empty conversations. The only reason she pretends to like them is because it's kinda hard to be captain and well respected if you straight up told your team "You're topics don't provide me any mental stimulation". It was astonishing how much I was learning from her and how much she had just opened up to me. I asked her if she felt the same way about all the parties she went to with all the people she was forced to associate with simply for her title of reputation and she said it would be enjoyable if she didn't spend the parties with hollow people. Something about the way she had implied it made it like she eventually wanted to invite me to one, but we weren't that close yet.  
I closed my eyes later that night wondering what it would be like to party with Haley and everyone whisper as to why she was talking to me over any of her dry uninhabited so called "friends". It's funny to think just a few weeks ago, I thought we were so different, and now all that's in my head are pictures of memories and words that she said to me. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I just wanted to know everything she wanted to tell me. 

~Michael's POV~ 

I was shocked at first when Grace told me that she didn't want Rachel in her life anymore. I was more shocked when she had not only willingly gotten closer to the guys, but also became friends with Haley? As in the captain of the cheerleading squad Haley. That wasn't even the start of strange. It got a whole lot stranger when she couldn't stop talking about her. Of course I wasn't jealous, I mean it's just some fleeting friendship. I'm just worried Haley would somehow hurt Grace. I mean people like Haley don't exactly get awards for the deepest compassion and the most genuine intentions, but I'm not going to bring Grace down. She's finally out of her rut. I hadn't seen her this happy in at least two months. It was so refreshing. I loved seeing her so happy.  
I was a little bit uncomfortable to say the least when she tried to get us to hang out and we always came up with excuses. It wasn't that any of the guys or I had any problems with Haley herself, it was just inviting Haley's company meant inviting any of the popular drama's company, which isn't something anyone should be fond of. Regardless I supported Grace no matter what and had too much guilt of denying Haley's presence too many times. So when Grace ran into my arms practically knocking me over begging me to come with her to some party Haley had invited her too, I couldn't exactly say no. She was begging, pleading really, for me to convince the boys to come aswell because Haley is actually really cool just has a wrongly placed stereotype over her head. Calum was immeaditly on board of course. That fucker just loves a good party. I mean, he has undeniable hips that anyone would swoon over. Ashton was hesitant at first, but the joined requests of both the charming looks of Calum and the manipulative speech of non other than me, Michael, how could he say no? Exactly. Luke was staring at me in a strange way that seemed to occur more than a few times and it was starting to really unsettle me. What could he possibly be trying to figure out? Once he was the last one to have not provided an answer and was aware of this the most comical absurd thing I have ever heard my best friend speak was blurted out,  
"Oh you know any night with Lukey drives the fellas and ladies crazy"  
We gave a good minute to allow him to believe there was tension built up and spat out the laughter in his face. Of course he stomped off creating a scene. What a drama queen.  
***  
It was odd to me to see how excited Grace was to go to this party. It was completely out of her comfort zone. It was out of my comfort zone too to be quite honest. After we got serious we stopped going to parties with our friends because we both weren't much into the party scene and were dragged to them by our friends. Or so I thought. Grace was just kinda acting a little off the walls so I was just going with it.  
Shaken from my train of thought, I realized I spent most of the time watching Grace rather than getting up to get ready. Throwing on the cleanest smelling band tee and the only pair of skinny jeans I had that were somewhat clean, disregarding the coffee stain from yesterday morning; I hauled Grace over my shoulder running down the stairs, while she pounded on my ass and kicked her legs laughing hysterically trying to tell me to put her down. In what should've been little effort, if Luke wasn’t sprawled out in all three seats in the second row of Ashton's minivan, we climbed to the farthest back row and settled in. Everyone seemed to be glowing and ready for a good night we all truly deserved. Winter break was deserved. Nothing felt more earned than these next three weeks.  
Ashton was voted the designated driver by, well, everyone. Calum could never resist a drunken time. Never. That boy is a living party. Grace and I hadn’t drank or partied in so long so we were voted out and Luke being the only one out of us who didn't have a car or license, it was left to Ashton to drive. Which was fine for him. He would've probably taken the role anyways, being the nurturing dad father he is.  
I felt the unease settle as soon as we pulled up to a street filled with cars and music blaring so loud we could hear it over the AC/DC daddy Ash was blasting. Looking around the car at everyone's faces I noticed I was the only uneasy one. All of them were beyond gitty. Even Luke who was staring at me with mischief plastered all over him. Everyone practically jumped out of the car, including Grace who I might add wasn't too successful and was laughing in my arms telling me to get out and that it's just one night. Hahaha, just one night. What could possibly go wrong?

~Grace's POV~ 

Haley wasn't lying when she said I might feel a little out of place, but as soon as I saw her I felt fine. I was never really uneasy, because I had my boyfriend and all his friends. It was just so out of my normal setting. Anyone could see that, but Haley was bringing out a carefree side of me. I had life in me once more. Tonight is just carefree Grace. Nothing to worry about for at least the next few hours.  
***  
"No. I don't like truth or dare" of course I was gonna be the only one refusing  
"Seriously Grace?!" Haley was teasing me now, the liquor was strong on her "Everyone has to play!"  
"If she doesn't want to play don't make her" I could hear Luke sticking up for me, but he was already sat in the circle with everyone; his words felt more like backwards peer pressure to me.  
"Michael why don't you convince her to play with everyone!"  
"Because I don't want to force her to feel like she needs to prove herself??" I felt like he was hinting at a lot more than a stupid game  
"Whatever. I'll play." Surrender was hardly a loss with alcohol "Hand me the vodka."  
***  
Everyone was wasted and truth or dare had gotten strangely intriguing. I was learning so much about everyone. Luke was very theatrical with all of his responses, apparently my own boyfriend had lost his virginity in a bathroom stall, Calum was incoherently a lot more kinkier than he led on, Ashton likes to be the little spoon, Haley though had picked dare every, single, time.  
"Haley if you're forcing me to play this stupid game you have to pick truth at some point"  
"Gracie, darling, truths are so boring. I'd rather cringe tomorrow morning over some wild dare, than regretting some detail I spilt while intoxicated!"  
"Amen to that bitch!" I gave Calum dagger eyes when he clinked vodka bottles with Haley  
"One truth"  
"Fine!" She huffed a breath one moment turning her knowing teasing smirk onto me that she KNEW made me shift uncomfortably "Anything for my Gracie"  
I wasn't the only one shifting uncomfortably when I noticed Michael inch closer and rest his hand in grasp with mine. I knew he may not be used to Haley, but I sure as well adapted to this. Squeezing his hand in reassurement I readied my question I would never ask sober.  
"Why are you still close friends with your ex-boyfriend if he cheated on you with your best friend?"  
Everyone had gone silent. There was no laughter. There was just uncomfortable gazes around the circle with house music blaring.  
"Geez why is everyone acting so fucking weird." She laughed as if this was a genuine joke. "Well," She took a long chug of vodka and we all expectantly watched "Don't look so eager I'm only answering this because I'm wasted and won't remember this in the morning" She took a deep breath, crossing her legs as if she had prepared a speech. Maybe she had.  
"I'm still friends with him, because he technically didn't cheat on me. I mean he did, but I was only with him to cover up my relationship with Sarah" I almost knocked over my vodka bottle, but she wasn't finished. "That's why I was more angry with her than him. I was fucking her and she tried to fuck my boyfriend. Who even pulls that shit? I never told him who the girl was so he couldn't have known. Since I was only using him as cover up, he was allowed to fuck whoever he wanted. He didn't know and I couldn't blame him for her sleazy actions" we all gawked at her in surprise and she acted like this was nonchalant small talk. The biggest kept secret was just revealed in the warm drunken night and Haley likes girls. Wait, why does that matter? I know plenty of lesbians and it's never phased me. Maybe this is different, because of the strange dreams. I only masturbated to the thought of her a few times. It wasn't a big deal. I don't like girls. I like Michael. But maybe.....no. I don't like girls.  
"Okay anyways...Luke!" I was trying to pay attention to the game, but it was difficult to process what Haley had just admitted.  
"Truth or dare"  
"Dare" he sounded so bored, which astonished me after this reveal.  
"I'm running out of good dares, my brain is all mush. You and Michael go upstairs in the guest room. Play seven minutes in heaven. Make it steamy, I love gay shit" She was wiggling her eyebrows and looking over at me, but I still couldn't focus on the game.  
"In your gay dreams Haley" Michael's laugher vibrated against me and I was finally out of my trance as they got up to fulfil their dare.  
~Michael's POV~  
I was actually kinda glad to get alone time with Luke. I needed to talk to someone. I felt really alone and I missed Grace being close to me. I felt like we were drifting. I think Luke noticed too, because he just knows me.  
"Why are you so worried about sex with Grace?"  
"It's not the sex I'm worried about. It's just Grace in general. I feel like she's hiding something that's really hurting her and feeling like she can't talk to me is breaking me." I felt Luke squeeze my thigh as reassurance and it did help a little to have someone listen to me rather than criticize.  
"Maybe she just needs time to figure out whatever it is that she's hiding. I know you love her, but maybe give her some space rather than smothering her."  
"I am smothering aren't I? Fuck!" My outburst startled Luke, but it only made me more aware of how the atmosphere had grown slightly tense. "Lukey, why am I so clingyyyyyy?" Dropping my face into my hands. Not only was I a clingy bitch, I was a whiny bitch too.  
"Hey," Luke tried to make me lift my head, probably trying to make eye contact. "Look at me Mike" I shook my head still buried in my hands.  
"Michael" just like that his tone dark and more serious. I looked up noticing that strange look he'd given me several times before that I didn't understand. This was different, we were closer. I could feel his exhales hitting my cold skin.  
Luke reached for my face holding my cheek in a gentle grasp and on instinct I started to nuzzle into his touch. Next thing I could process were Luke's lips on mine moving slowly. I was so confused what was happening that I didn't have time to react. Luke pulled away all too soon.  
"I-I oh my god" panic registered on his face as he began shuffling to get his tall drunken silhouette up. "I'm- we're drunk. I wasn't thinking."  
He almost got out without anything else happening. This almost wasn't going to end messy.  
"Luke" I said dryly as he was inches from the other side of the door and I thought he was gone and I screwed up again.  
The door creaked open slightly as Luke peaked back in just watching me like a deer in headlights.  
"I'm not done venting" that's the best you have Clifford?!  
"We can talk more later, I just think I should go-"  
"No, I don't think you heard me. I'm not done with you." Luke's eyes were wild when he came back in the room, locking the door this time. Before Luke even had time to sit back down I grabbed him by his shirt and tackled him down. After a few rolls around I ended up on top of him with his arms pinned, hungrily kissing him. I hadn't had sex in a long time and I was more than slightly turned on, and by the hard on pressing into my thigh, I could tell Luke was equally as horny if not more.  
Attaching my lips to Luke's neck, I feasted on the soft taught skin on display for me. Leaving open mouthed kisses all along Luke's collarbones, he started rutting up against me when I began palming him through his jeans. Luke was way more vocal than I ever imagined. Not that I did imagined. I mean maybe a few times. Listen, everyone has a few sexual fantasies about their best friend....don't they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! This chapter is super long so I hope it makes up for not updating in so long. By the way I wanted to change the character Savanna to Hayley, because I wanted to make lame references to the song Lost In Reality as I continue this dumb story. Sorry if that confuses anyone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all from Grace's POV and she finally gets some answers which have also brought her fear of where that takes her with Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: I hate waiting for people to update like I understand they have lives but it's been months  
> also me: hasn't updated in 5 months  
> Sorry I'm the worst I just kinda got some writers block and I've had dealing with a lot. I finally know where I wanna take this fic and I'm bed bound because I got into a terrible car accident so I have no excuse really to put off finishing this fic.

~Grace’s POV~  
Waking up to a warm body holding me wasn’t a new sensation. Michael often slept over due to my parents never being home and honestly? There’s just something comforting about having the person you love in your bed. This however, was definitely a new sensation. Rolling over to the smell of strawberries and long hair. The sight of Hayley, tucked into bed- scratch that MY bed?? I started trying to remember why she was here and then memories of the party that night started coming back to me. Hayley was incredibly wasted and I couldn’t allow her drive herself home not in that condition. I remember her fighting me for her keys and then falling down unable to even haul herself back up. Hours after Michael had gone missing he I found him and Luke sprawled out in the backyard wearing the others shirt. Which was weird, but they always wear each other's shirts maybe they just wanted to switch? Who knows, I was too drunk to even ask. I remember startling them and seeing their scared looks, because I was borderline yelling when I asked where Ashton was and that we should all go. I remember the uncomfortable ride to everyone’s house which I assumed was just because i basically forced Ashton to give Hayley a ride as well. After dropping off Calum and Luke, Hayley had blacked out to which I just said she could stay with me and told Michael he could still stay over if he wanted. He made up some excuse that he needed to go home and avoided conversation with me the rest of the ride which quite honestly pissed me off. What did he want me to do with a blacked out best friend? He was being weird ever since I even met up with Hayley at the party and I was kinda just over it.  
***  
Hayley started stirring next to me and I was met with her big beautiful blue eyes staring back at me. Her eyebrows knit together and she lifted the sheets to look down and back up at me.  
“Did we….um, did we have sex?” I started choking on air and was coughing uncontrollably in her face and she smiled really big and laughed all while I was dying.  
“No! Why would that be the first thing you assume to waking up with me?” I was in shock that she even asked me and I was blushing so bad hoping she couldn’t tell I had dreamt about it and thought about it so many times.  
“The last thing I remember was my confession during truth or dare and you staring me down with wonder in your eyes and the way your blushing right now makes me think you might have a confession for me as well” So she definitely knew I thought about her. I’m pretty screwed now. I thought if she didn’t want to be my friend anymore I should at least have some questions answered.  
“Was Sarah your first...girl...experi- um frie- your first,”  
She started rolling her eyes and giggling “No, she wasn’t my first girl experience or girlfriend,” she pushed her strawberry scented hair back and continued, “I’ve been with several girls and guys. Not all of my boyfriends were cover up, but that was back when I thought I was straight. What a crazy time that was.” She was smiling so warm and bright like this was the easiest admission to ever slip through.  
“How did you...When did you start thinking..um-”  
“Don’t hurt yourself,” She laughed and I managed a nervous chuckle but she went on, “I always kinda knew I liked girls, but not in the way I do now. I thought girls were beautiful and I admired them, but when I started dating boys I realized something was missing. I didn’t look at boys the way I look at girls. Then I started having sex, which I know makes you uncomfortable to talk about so i’ll try to spare you the details by just saying pretty much all my experiences with boys resulted in tears, self hatred and disgust. Eventually I met a girl at a party and I was dancing with her and she asked if she could kiss me and I was pretty drunk so I told her she could and it gave me different feelings than kissing boys. One thing led to another and we had sex and for the first time in my life it felt right. Not that I was in love with this random girl, but that it felt right. I don’t regret that night one bit and it was the first time I ever orgasamed” smiling softly she looked back at me.  
“Is it possible maybe, to not sexually desire men, but romantically want them? And then the opposite for...girls?” I was so terrified of her answer it sounded ridiculous and I knew it.  
“Of course! You can be bisexual with aromantic feelings towards girls and asexual feelings towards boys. That’s completely normal.”  
“I don’t know if I like girl romantically or sexually though”  
“Do you want to find out?” Hayley was almost never serious, but right now with her beautiful eyes staring back at me with no humor, but all genuity, I couldn’t help but nod.  
She started leaning into me and I froze. I had dreamt about kissing Hayley so many times and it could never equivalate to this. Her lips were soft, push even. Far more gentle than any I had ever experienced. She pulled back just slightly and looked at me with concern. I felt my heart catch and I tried to choke out “yeah, I think I like girls.” all she did was smile and hug me. We layed there, just like that, wrapped up in one another’s arms and just enjoyed the white noise of my fan and our slow breaths. For the first time in a long time, I was at peace. Then, all at once it hit me, I like girls. I like girls the way I’m supposed to like Michael. I started sobbing and hayley held me tighter and I clung to her with all I had left in me. “Shhh, it’s okay. There’s nothing to be scared of. It’s not always this scary I promise. Hey, hey-” she shook me to make me look up at her.  
“Hey, hayley? Won’t you save me?” She just smiled softly and brushed my hair back holding me tighter than before. I could hear her sniffle a bit above me.

***

I drove Hayley back to the house we attended a party to just last night and she gave me another tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. She made me promise her to text her or call her after I talked to Michael. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I was relieved to have her in my life. I texted Michael to meet up with me in a local coffee shop we only go to when something is bothering us. He told me he’d meet me there without much more communication. Maybe he’d been waiting for this. Maybe he already knew what I was going to tell him. All I knew was that this wasn’t going to be easy to tell him. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to tell him. “Hey I found out the reason our sex sucks is because I’m not attracted to guys and I kissed Hayley so now I like girls. SURPRISE!!!” yeah that’s not going to go too well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who is still even keeping up or giving this fic a chance. If you want to talk to me you can follow me on tumblr: whenmymindwaslost.tumblr.com


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace confronts her fears and Michael. Michael confronts the love of his life.

When Michael showed up, he looked tense and exhausted. Suddenly I thought maybe I wasn’t the only one who had something to talk about. I greeted him with a big hug and kiss, because I didn’t know if he’d ever want to see me again after my confession. I wondered if he could smell Hayley’s strawberry shampoo on me. Maybe taste her on my lips. He looked at me for the first time since he walked in and there was guilt in his eyes. I decided to let him talk first whenever he was ready.

After about three cups of coffee and two biscottis, Michael finally started. “I’m sorry Grace. I don’t really understand why I did it or what happened.” that’s when I felt the air go stale.

“Michael, what the fuck are you talking about?” I saw his whole body tense up and his eyes widen when he said “wait, why did you call me here? I thought you wanted to talk about something?”

“I do, but what I was going to talk about was why I can’t have sex with you”

“Oh...okay I’ll listen” So i swallowed my pride down and told him that I liked girls in the way i’m supposed to like boys. I told him that I didn’t  want to make him stay in a relationship with me when I knew I couldn’t give him everything he needed. I told him that I do love him and that at this moment it was the only thing I was sure of.

“So you’re….gay?”

“I don’t know honestly. I know I love you and I imagine spending a life with you, but I also like girls in sexual ways that I’ve never felt for boys. I don’t know if I like girls romantically I just know I like you romantically.”

“Does that mean you want to break up or stay together?”

“I think we should break up, because you deserve someone that can give you more than I can and,” I started fidgeting with my fingers because this was a lot harder of a confession than I was making it, but I’ve always wanted to be honest with Michael, “I think I want to try being with girls maybe date one”

“It’s Hayley isn’t it” he didn’t say it with any spite, but it still felt like a sting

“Yeah, she kissed me Michael.” He smiled and reached to rub my cheek. “Now that we’ve gotten that out. Why were you apologizing?” he stopped and retreated his hand back with a frown on his face.

“I cheated on you at the party. It was the first time it’s ever happened and I don’t really know what happened I want to blame it on the alcohol or that I was thinking with my dick, but-” suddenly it all clicked and I leaned over the table to hug Michael. When I pulled away he was looking up at me more confused than before.

“I guess we’re all a bit gayer than we initially thought” I wasn’t angry. Not even the slightest. I just wanted both of us to be happy. “You and luke right?” He nodded. “No one had seen you guys for hours and when I found you, you both were wearing the others shirt.”

“I love you so much. Can you still be my person?”

“You’re always going to be my person even if we aren’t together okay? I think you should try with Luke if he’s open to it. I think we need each other more than ever now. I’m scared of all of this Michael.” and we sat there for awhile talking about it all. What it could mean. What our parents would say if they found out. If we wanted to tell other people. It was all so new it wasn’t anything we knew, but Michael was my best friend and I was his and nothing could change how much we loved each other. I was going to stand by him the whole way. And he did the same.

***

~Michael’s POV~

I had a lot of emotional conversations with Grace. I never in my life thought I’d cheat on the love of my life. I never thought I’d question if I truly should or wanted to be with Grace in the way we thought we wanted. I never thought she’d leave me for a girl. I never thought I’d be okay with it. No hard feelings, no heartbreak. I had to see Luke. After all, I could easily blame the alcohol and involuntary celibacy altering my thoughts, but something tells me this runs deep. That Luke had just as much to be admitting to me as I did to him. I learned from Grace that keeping secrets from the one you love does nothing, but tear you apart. I had to talk to Luke.

***

Luke let me into his house without hesitation. I could tell he wanted to act nonchalant. He wanted to act like my dick hadn’t been in his ass. Unfortunately, life works a bit more cruel. Life doesn’t let you forget what one of your best friend’s look like writhing underneath you.

“Michael I don’t want to jeopardize anything you have with Grace.”

I wanted to laugh, but it came out pained. Everything had changed and Luke didn’t even know. “You’re not jeopardizing anything Lukey”

“No, Mikey. It was a mistake what we did was a mistake.”

All at once I felt my body go cold.  _ Mistake. _ It ran through my head and I felt my heartbreak. The way I should’ve felt when Grace broke up with me. “Not for me.” I all but whispered. It felt like a confession. It was. Luke couldn’t look at me. He didn’t know. He couldn’t have. I continued, “Luke, Grace already knows about us.” Luke’s face visibly paled. He looked at me like I had stolen his most prized possession. I realized I wanted to be that possession. After I started I couldn’t stop. I had already ruined our friendship by not letting Luke leave through that door. “We broke up, me and grace, told me I could tell you the real reason. It’s not really my secret to tell and I know she wants to keep it quiet for now, but she likes girls. She left me, because she wants to be with Hayley. Said I should try with you, if you wanted me back.” Luke was staring at me with watery eyes. I felt like I was handing him my heart straight from my chest.

“It wasn’t a mistake for me.” At that, I saw tears run down his soft beautiful face and my vision blurred from my own clouded eyes. He wiped his tears away harshly then slowly started crawling into my space. I watched him, not being able to take my eyes off of this boy who’d stolen my heart without me knowing. When he reached me, he kissed my tears away. He kissed everywhere and a cold breeze was left on my skin when he’d pull away. It was like I was in a blizzard and the only way I would fight hypothermia was if Luke kept kissing every inch of my skin. He held me, told me how he’d thought he’d never get to call me his. He spent so long chasing me with hopeless intentions while I loved a girl who couldn’t fully love me. I could’ve had Luke a long time ago. I could’ve felt love shake in my bones. I spent three years dating the wrong best friend because I was so sure what I felt Luke was just how you love your best friend. I tried so hard to love Grace the way I love Luke and for a while I convinced myself I had. That the feeling that something was missing was me being selfish. Now, I get to keep my best friend and Luke. Luke wanted me back.  _ Mistake _ was not what rang through my mind.  _ Perfection _ no,  _ reality. _

“Watching you love another for so long has broken me into a million pieces.” Luke was breathing heavy with his words traveling straight into my soul. With every touch, every kiss, he made me feel every emotion that was coursing through his veins.

“You don’t have to brake anymore sweetheart, I’ve finally caught up.”

“Let’s pick up the pieces of whatever’s left of me. They’re yours to keep” Luke left me in a loss of words. I was lost. I was lost in  _ reality _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helllooooo thank you if you've read this far. This is my first fic and I know I'm not a great writer, but I hope the story line has intrigued you enough to keep reading. An antonym for mistake is perfection and reality which is why I had to add that sick reference lmao. Talk to me on tumblr:  
> whenmymindwaslost


End file.
